Mother Hoodwink

Holy Crap, I'm bad at this whole blogging thing.

Well, we're all moved into our house. We still have a lot of boxes to unpack. I swear every time I unpack a box, three more appear in its place. It's not like I'm getting them wet or feeding them after midnight. What gives?

Only three days after our shipment of stuff arrived, I held Maggie's first birthday party at our house. Probabaly not the smartest move I've ever made but I wanted it to be exactly the way I wanted it and I knew I wouldn't be able to get that at my mom's house. I stayed up really late the night before making cupcakes. I love the way they turned out and so did all the guests. My friend, Kerry, gave me a lot of pointers on how to use fondant. She does crazy things with it. Like making her own and covering cakes and stuff. Me? I bought already colored fondant and basically played with it as if it were Play-Doh. You can check out the pictures on my Flickr photostream.



My little baby is now a toddler who doesn't really even toddle yet. She's still refusing to walk. We know she knows how. I bet she does it when we're not looking. In other Maggie news, her third tooth popped though. She already had her bottom central incisors. Now she has one upper lateral incisor as well which makes her look like a hillbilly. An adorable hillbilly but still.

Since it seems to be habit for me to get pregnant exactly a year after having a baby, I'm getting pretty bad baby fever. Exactly eleven months after losing my first pregnancy, I got pregnant with Gavin. A couple of weeks after Gavin's first birthday, I found out I was pregnant with Maggie. Since we know how this works, we've been extra careful lately. We want more kids, but now is not the time. Although, if in three months I'm publishing a post that talks about my new pregnancy, then I'll be thrilled.

I don't know what to title this.

When Gavin started solids I got a touch of depression. Not much, but enough for me to notice. When Gavin was eleven months old, I gave him his first cup of cow's milk. Breastfeeding pretty much ended there. He obviously liked it way more than my milk. He wasn't nursing for nutrition anymore but for comfort every night before bed. Our nursing sessions got shorter and shorter to the point where all he wanted to do was cuddle.

Postpartum depression then came full blast. I was a mess. I could not get my act together and it was pissing me off. At the time I had no idea I was having postpartum depression. I thought it was regular old depression. I didn't have the wherewithal to realize that when I stopped producing milk, my hormone levels would change dramatically thus causing postpartum depression.

I thought I wouldn't have any depression. All the books say at about two weeks postpartum, you might get the "baby blues" and if they last longer than to see a doctor. I practically got through the first year without any depression. I have a theory that if you're breastfeeding, you won't get the baby blues two weeks after birth. Two weeks seems just the right amount of time to stop producing milk after a birth which is why mothers who formula feed would get the depression then. I could completely wrong with my theory, but it makes sense to me.

My depression was not dangerous, just obnoxious. I didn't want to hurt myself or anyone else, just sit inside all day and not move from the couch. I hated the way I felt and was so angry at myself for not being able to snap the fuck out of it. I've always been a mind over matter type person. I couldn't convince myself to do anything. Nothing. I took good care of Gavin but if it didn't involve him, I was out.

I didn't want to get any drugs because I figured that in itself would be a huge pain in the ass. Figuring out which drug is right for you then figuring out which dose fits you best. That could take months and in the interim make me feel even worse. Luckily all of this depression crap only lasted two months. Right after it had ended I found out I was pregnant with Maggie. As happy as I was to have another baby, I was terrified of going through this again.

Maggie will be four months old tomorrow. She can start cereal but I'm cautious. I thought maybe I could wait another month or two before I start her on solids but I'm afraid it's just stalling the inevitable. I hope I don't  go through this again. I'm scared but this time willing to find a drug that helps me if I need it.

Maybe it's 15 pounds in hair.

I'm frustrated with my body. I am not losing weight as fast as I did after having Gavin. Maggie will be four months old next week. When Gavin was four months old, I was a size smaller than I was pre-pregnancy. I have fifteen pounds left to go before I can wear my jeans comfortably. They fit but they look horrible. Muffin top galore.

I need to stop comparing postpartum weight losses. I'm too hung up on it and it's depressing me.

I heard recently that you should give yourself at least nine months to get your old body back since that's how long it took to get it at it's largest state. I just feel like I've plateaued though. I've been fifteen pounds over for about a month now. I'm sure I'll lose it within the next five months, but I want it gone now damn it! I have nothing to wear!

I refuse to buy too many larger sizes. I've bought a pair of shorts for the summer and that's it. (I don't need bigger shirts since my boobage has always forced me to buy larger anyway.) I don't want to get too comfortable so I'm not going to make it easier on myself and buy a bunch of clothes that are bigger than I normally buy.

As if the extra weight wasn't enough, I'm dealing with postpartum hair loss. I forgot just how annoying this was. I have to make sure I brush my hair for a good five-ten minutes before I get in the shower or else I'll clog the drain.

I remember after I had Gavin, I had no idea this happened after a pregnancy. I freaked out. I thought I was going bald because the amount of hair a woman can lose after pregnancy is mind boggling. Knowing how much comes out when I brush my hair for a few minutes, I'm surprised I have any hair at all.

Hopefully by Maggie's first birthday I'll be at least fifteen pounds lighter and have a normal amount of hair.

Maggie's Birth Day

Last Monday night I went to the hospital to be induced. I was supposed to get Cervadil but since my doctor works out of a couple of different hospitals, he forgot that my hospital has a policy about not giving Cervadil to women who are having a VBAC. It ups the percentage of uterine rupture. So instead I was started on Pitocin. Something I was very sad about. I really didn't want it but I know I needed to be induced because of all the extra amniotic fluid.

Earlier that day I had an appointment with my OB and was not dilated at all but according to an ultrasound, the baby's head was engaged. I was given a non-stress test and I was having contractions every eight minutes. So I figure that if I hadn't been induced that night, I would have started labor on my own that next day anyways.

By the time I got to the hospital, I was still having contractions eight minutes apart and was 1cm dilated. I was started on a very low dose of Pitocin and stayed at 1cm all night long. Every time my nurse checked me, she said she felt something that felt like a string. She wasn't sure if it was part of my cerclage that my doctor missed or scar tissue from my cerclage. She didn't want to try to stretch my cervix until my doctor got there to check it out himself. He came in the next morning and determined it was scar tissue and no sooner did he say it that I heard a pop and he said, "There, now you're at three."

I progressed great all day. After my doctor saw me, I was almost at 1cm an hour. I wanted to actually feel labor this time around. Not much but enough to know what it was like. With Boomba I had my bloody show, immediately started light contractions and only felt them for about five hours before my c-section. (He was breech.) So I went most of the night without an epidural. When I got to the point where I needed to sleep, I asked for the epidural.

Good God the epidural was such an ordeal. Before this I have had two epidural and a spinal. For my previous c-section and two cerclages. They were uncomfortable but never hurt this bad. When I got my first epidural, the anesthesiologist told me that I had the perfect spine to give epidural/spinals since it was so straight. The doctor that gave me this last one asked if I had a curve in my back. This should have warned me that this was not going to be pleasant.

Since Dim is pre-nursing he sat behind the anesthesiologist so he could watch the whole thing. I had to have the nurse in front of me anyways so I wasn't offended. The anesthesiologist had to try three different spots to put the catheter in. Uh, not fun. It was to the point where I was welcoming contractions so I could focus on that pain instead of whatever voo-doo evil crap she was doing back there. So she finally finishes up only for it not to work at all. At this point Dim was white as a ghost. He later found out from all the nurses that watching epidurals and spinals being given is the one of hardest things to watch in the medical field. So for the second one that had to be done, Dim sat in front of me and held my hand.

This next one was... there are no words. She touched a nerve and all of a sudden my left leg started involuntary kicking. All the while I screamed out in pain while feeling that horrible funny bone pain run up and down my leg with a great focus in my knee. The worst part is that I wasn't expecting it and it just kept going. I now have a part of my heel that in numb. I'm not sure if it's because of this or if it's because for the rest of my labor my heel rested on the bar at the foot of my bed. It was a little bit sore but that went away a couple of days ago. So if the numbness stays, I am so suing. After she was through butchering my spine, I felt great relief and it actually turned out to be a great epidural.

I got all the way to 6-8cm depending on who was checking. No one could agree since they all had different size fingers. They all agreed though that her head was molding way too early and it was the back of her head. It also didn't help that her head kept going from -2 to -1 to 0 and then back to -1. I also had a lot of blood in my urine. Which I know is common during childbirth but apparently I had way too much. Dim said he looked down at my urine bag and he said it was all red. He didn't tell me at the time but he was internally freaking out about it. At this point my doctor and nurses were strongly recommending a c-section.

So of course I immediately starting crying. We got to the OR and I have to say, it wasn't as bad this time around. With Boomba he came out blue and not breathing well at all. I never heard him cry in the OR even after he started to regain color and breathe. Turns out, that was just his personality. He's not a loud kid. They whisked him away to the NICU before Dim was able to take a picture with him. I got only a few precious seconds to see him up close before they took him. They fed him formula in the nursery and it was hours before I got to hold him. I didn't get the instant bonding that I wanted.

This time Maggie cried loud as soon as they got her head out. I thought they would take her to the nursery again while I went to the recovery room. I reminded Dim to tell them not to give her formula and they said the baby was going with us to recovery. So she was never away from me. Only after I moved from recovery to my room and was there for a couple of hours, did they take her for her first bath. I got to nurse her as soon as I got to my room. I would have nursed her in recovery but I was shaking too bad. I felt so cold in the OR. Being numb from the chest down makes it so you feel like you're freezing.

Boomba has had trouble adjusting. He loves her and gives her kisses every chance he gets. His behavior has gone berserk though. We're still not sure if it's because he isn't getting as much attention from me or if it's because grandma has been here while we were busy at the hospital and rules weren't as enforced as they should have been. Which we're not mad about. Grandparents don't want to yell at their grandkids.

She is a wonderful baby. I can tell she's going to be as lovey as her big brother. We are head over heels in love with her.

 

It's a Girl!

Margaret "Maggie" Mae was born the night of February 19th after 24 hours of labor and an emergency c-section. She was 10lbs 8oz and 21.5 inches long. The very long birth story is still to come. Here's a picture until then.

Here we go!!

I'm about to leave for the hospital to get induced. Please send as many positive vibes, prayers and good thoughts my way that I won't get a c-section. Talk to you all soon!

I thought I felt sloshy.

Looks like the baby should be here by this Wednesday. Remember in my last post I mentioned that I hadn't gained anything in the last six weeks? Guess what. I gained nine pounds this past week alone. I think this startled my doctor since he felt around on my tummy for the first time this pregnancy yesterday at my appointment. He was worried that the baby was too big since Boomba was 9lbs 11oz. I got an ultrasound to check out her size and we found out not only is she in the nine pound range, I also have way too much amniotic fluid. Which can be quite dangerous.

My doctor wants to induce me Monday night if I haven't gone into labor by then. I still haven't dilated at all so if my cervix is still closed by Monday when I go to get induced, I'll have a higher chance of not progressing and needing a c-section. I do not want another c-section. So this weekend is going to be spent walking and eating lots of pineapple. They say if you eat an entire pineapple, you'll start labor within 48 hours. It worked with Boomba and I don't really know if it was the pineapple or if it was just time. I don't care either way. I'm eating the pineapple for good measure.

When I told Dim that I want to spend the weekend doing everything I can to get my cervix to open, his response was, "So pineapples and sex?! Awesome."

Still pregnant...

Throughout this pregnancy I haven't had any out of the ordinary cravings. Definitely not as many as I had with Boomba. In fact compared to Boomba's pregnancy, I don't eat nearly as much but yet still managed to gain the same amount. Whatever. Anyway, the other night I had a way crazy craving. One I've never had before. I HAD to have a bowl of ball shaped cereal. I didn't care what kind. Coco Puffs, Trix (How excited are you that they have gone back to a ball shape?!), Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch. I sent Dim out at eight at night to run to the gas station up the street and buy whatever ball cereal they had. He came home with some Trix and I was completely satisfied. Until and hour later where I had to have something tortilla-y and cheesy. Luckily we had leftover tortillas from dinner the other night and shredded cheese. It wasn't really the taste of a quesadilla that I wanted, it was the texture. Just like with the ball cereal. I don't know what that craving was all about, but I'm glad it passed before I wanted something in the texture of something gross. Like grass or toilet paper or something equally not as appetizing.

In other news, I am trying to stay positive and focus on making sure I have the baby AFTER my mom and sister get here. I can make it to Saturday. I know I can. Although with the contractions and the Oh-My-God-It's-Burning! pelvic pain I've been having, I wouldn't be surprised if I went tomorrow or the next day. I actually wouldn't be too disappointed if that was the case. Tomorrow is my birthday and that would be awesome to share with my daughter. The day after would be Valentine's Day. How cool would it be to have a birthday then? It would be perfect for her since she was made completely out of passion and wasn't being tried for at all. Hopefully, she'll never find this website and read that last sentence because she will gag and tell me how much of an embarrassment I am. Or she'll just find another reason to say that. Oh well.

Bullets. Yay!

I have to make bullets. I don't have the energy to make anything flow.

• It's happened. I didn't think it would, but it has. I finally had a crying fit over the fact that I am fucking huge and uncomfortable. The only place I can feel somewhat comfortable is in bed among my orgy of pillows. But the kicker is that if I stay there too long, like a whole night, I wake up with the most excruciating back pain. I can't move and don't want to. Of course once I get up and start walking around, I feel a little bit better. Since Dim leaves while Boomba and I are still sleeping, he'll call me later in the morning to check up on me. Today I couldn't hold it in and just cried and cried about how I can't do this anymore. I am carrying this baby so low so every week when she gets heavier, I can feel my spine curving more and more. I swear by the time this pregnancy is over, I will have a hunchback from carrying her.

• I just need to stick it out one more week. My mom and sister are coming in on the 15th and 16th. My mom will be staying home with Boomba while we're at the hospital and my sister will be in the delivery room. I'm really happy she'll be there because I'll need her support and calmness. But mostly I'm happy she'll be there so I'll have someone who is rubbing my head and telling me to breathe, because Dim is all about watching the birth. He feels bad because he wants to support me but being the pre-nursing student he is, he really wants to hang out at the south end and watch all the nitty gritty stuff. I don't mind. It's a good learning experience for him and I can ask him later what exactly happened down there.

• I am 38 weeks today but at my appointment yesterday, I measured in at 40 weeks. I know belly measurements can be off because the baby could be positioned weird or the nurse just didn't do it exactly right. But, I've been measuring two weeks ahead now for the last month and my last ultrasound a couple of months ago said the baby was due two weeks sooner than my original due date. I also have not gained anything in the last six weeks. I'm not sure what that means. I know the baby is gaining because for fucks sake, she's heavy. Have I been losing weight? Weird. Regardless, I know I feel ready. I don't care about measurements or weight gain, I know that this baby is not going to make it to my due date of the 22nd. Well, she better not make it that far because I think I will probably die if she does.

• I can't believe how little energy I have these days. Since this baby is so low, I can't drive anymore. Once I get comfy enough to have the steering wheel in front of me by pushing the seat back, my feet can barely reach the pedals. So needless to say I'm not going many places these days. Walking to the park? Forget it. A five minute walk turns into twenty with my slow moving self stopping every few minutes to take a break. I want to put on makeup and look pretty, but I barely have enough energy to unscrew a tube of lip gloss and haphazardly smear it on. You don't understand. I have to locate my purse and then pick which of the seventeen tubes of lip gloss (that I carry at all times) that I want to wear. Do you know how hard that is? Can you even comprehend how strenuous this is for me? I really feel that I will be more rested AFTER the baby is here then what I am now. Because this? Is not rested. This is borderline dying of lack of sleep. Why hasn't someone invented some kind of maternity bed? The pillows are just not cutting it.

• Pregnancy has once again reminded me of what a wonderful man I am married to. He does everything around the house, does the shopping and when he's home he takes full care of Boomba. Not only is he working everyday, but he goes to school three nights a week. So glad I snatched him up when we were young. I got to him before all the crap his parents set in his mind got cemented in. Because the men in his family are crazy chauvinistic. Women's work is women's work no matter how bad the women are feeling. If it weren't for Dim, the house would be a mess and the fridge would be empty. Thanks honey. I love you.

Loose as a Goose

Well, I got my cerclage out this past Wednesday. I kept imagining that as soon as I hopped off the table, my water would break. But it didn't, thankfully. I'm a little lot terrified that I'll go into labor before my mom gets here in 15 days. My due date is the 22nd, so most likely she will be here to watch Boomba while Dim and I are at the hospital. Kerry is doing a good job of reminding me to think positive and focus on a date I want to have the baby on. I'm trying really hard, but I am just a ball of nerves right now so I don't think the positive vibes are flowing the way they should be.

That cerclage was my safety net. Now that it's out I keep thinking that every painful contraction, every trip to the bathroom and weird twinge is the start of labor. I really need to calm down. The only reason I don't think labor is that near, is because the crazy nesting hasn't started yet. I still haven't even washed the bassinet sheets yet. I know that when I have an intense need to wash them, it will be time. I know that sounds weird, but that's the feeling I have.

So I sit and wait. Hopefully I'll be waiting with my mom in the next room instead of the next state when I start labor.