Mother Hoodwink

Uh...

Our trip was nice. The kids did a lot better than I expected. Maggie especially. She loved looking out the window and she slept a lot. On to a totally unrelated topic...

Please, someone, tell me this site is not real. Seriously, please.

"Just Breathe" is the mantra of the day.

My neighbors suck. I've mentioned them many, many times before.

Early this morning Josh went out to the car and saw that Gavin's toy lawnmower, which usually lives on our front porch, was in the middle of our driveway. Weird. We figured one of the many rotten kids who live on our street played with it and forgot to clean up the evidence.

A couple of hours later, I heard scuffling on our front porch. When I walked out the door, I saw a little boy playing with the famous toy lawnmower. I used my stern teacher voice (every mom has one) and told him he is not to take anything off our porch since it doesn't belong to him. If he wants to play with something of ours, he needs to ask. I understand most people wouldn't really care if another kid plays with their kid's stuff, but this happens constantly and it's annoying for my son to play with his own toys that other children have damaged.

I told the little boy and the little girl that live right next to us to not come on our front porch again. I hoped that would be the end of it and the children wouldn't run to their parents and say I yelled at them. I had a feeling it would happen.

About thirty minutes later, the doorbell rang. Fuck, now I have to deal with this shit. Josh answers the door (he has the day off) and this very large woman immediately screams at him, "You need to control your wife!" First of all, no one controls anyone in our marriage. If your husband controls you, than that's sad. Josh replies, "I don't need to control anyone, you need to get control of your kid." I get to the door and ask if there is a problem.

She looks at me and clasps her hands together, "Don't ever yell at my son again! He's THREE!" Jesus Christ on a cracker! I try to explain, "I never yelled at your son. I told him to not touch our things then told him not to come on our porch again."

She then goes on to defend herself. "I was sitting in the backyard and saw you yell at him." Our backyards face each other and she says she saw everything from her back patio. "He was just coming over to get his backpack that was at [the neighbor girl's house]."

"If you were watching your son, why didn't you yell over to him to not touch our things and come back home if he was just going to get his backpack?" I asked.

"Because I didn't know you were yelling at my son. I thought you were yelling at some other little kid." She says.

Hmm. I ponder this for a moment. "If you were watching him, then wouldn't you have known it was your son I was TALKING, not yelling at? Your story is going round and round."

"Don't yell at my son again! He's three!" was her only response.

"Maybe you shouldn't let your son go unsupervised to the next block at the age of three!"

"Do I need to call base police?" She asks.

"Uh, go ahead. You're in the wrong. Do I need to call the Child Protective Services?" I say.

"Don't yell at my son again! He's three!" She says going back to her only defense.

At this point every time she says this, Josh tells her I never yelled. He heard everything when I talked to the little boy. Josh goes on to say I would never yell at a little kid like that.

"Yeah right!" She retorts. "We know all about her! Everyone in the neighborhood knows about her." The way she said this was just so immature. I was shocked to hear an adult talking like that.

Josh and I in unison, "What are you talking about?!"

"We all sit out here and talk. She's never out here. We know all about her." She says. The "we" she's referring to is herself and my next door neighbor who we share a carport with. I find it so sad, the life of a gossiper. What's the point? I've encountered many in my day and they all tend to have quite a closet full of skeletons. Which is why they gossip and start trouble, I guess. To get the attention off them.

"If I'm never out here, then how do you know anything about me?" I asked seriously confused.

"We know he does everything," she says, pointing to Josh, "and you do nothing."

I sure do lots of nothing around here. Yep, Josh does everything when he's not at work or school or volunteer security duty or giving music lessons. I do nothing. She has me all figured out. What the fuck bitch? He's hardly ever home! How are my children clothed and fed? How do we have dishes to eat off or clothes to wear? Maybe because of the magic fairy that lives in my house that does everything when Josh isn't doing it?

I stood dumbfounded. "Um, you're really overweight. How much do you do?" Yes. I went there. I know I have my issues with weight, but I'm not huffing out of breath by having a conversation and accusing other people of being lazy.

She starts to get in my face but Josh got in front of her and instructs her to leave. She pokes her head out behind Josh, her triple chins wobbling, "I was born with a birth defect that makes me overweight." Uh, yeah. Ok. I had no idea there was a birth defect that made you addicted to Cheetos. I wonder if she is qualifies for a handicap sticker for her car? I say, "Well it must not help it sitting on your ass all day smoking then."

Josh starts to guide her off our porch by walking towards her causing her to backup all the while grasping at straws trying to prove herself right. "My husband out ranks you!" she tells Josh. Come to find out he's only two ranks above Josh. Josh has close friends that are the same rank as her husband. Plus, it doesn't matter what anyone's rank is. We're in a living situation, we're not on a ship.

Now, Josh has had extensive training in security recently as he has volunteered to be security for the base. It's ingrained in him on how to diffuse a situation. As he's walking behind her she suddenly turns around and Josh touches the tips of his index and middle finger to her shoulder to have her turn back around and leave. She yells, "Don't touch me!" Then screams for her husband. "TERRY! HE'S TOUCHING ME!" in the most whiniest voice I've ever heard an adult have. I walk out of the door frame and and yell, "Are you fucking kidding me?!" All the while Josh is repeating "Get off of our property. Leave now." He told me later that at one point he looked her dead in the eye and whispered, "You're being a bitch. Leave now!" Her husband never showed up.

Before I go on, I need to let you know that Josh doesn't call women names like that willy nilly. If you don't know Josh, then you have no idea how much of a sensitive man he is. Sensitive in a way where he is compassionate for other people not sensitive in a way where he cries at Lifetime movies. He's a good, honest man.

She then finally leaves with her three hundred plus frame sauntering off and singsonging in a baby voice, "Aww, too hard to face reality, huh?"

I holler out, "My, my, so much maturity. You're such an awesome role model for your THREE year old."

Josh comes back inside and we are fuming mad. He decided to go to housing and tell them that we want to move. Apparently the neighbors are watching my every move and if my husband had not have been home, I honestly think she would have hit me. It's true, I don't go out much. I don't sit on my ass all day and chit chat with the neighbors because I sort of have this thing I have to do called PARENTING! That's great that they have a bond but while they're chain smoking and spending all their time talking about what I'm up to, their young children are running around unsupervised. I'd rather be hanging out with my kids and doing crafts with them and teaching them their ABC's. I don't recall ever seeing them at the park, although I do see their children there all the time. I spend more quality time with their kids then they do. I think the proof is in the fact that my two year old speaks in full sentences and clearly while no one can understand my next door neighbor's five year old when she speaks.

On Josh's way to talk to housing he drives by the woman's house to get their address. He sees three patrol cars there and cops talking to the woman and her husband. He stops and gets out and walks up to one of the officers and says, "I'm pretty sure this is about me." They have him write a statement. He tells them, "I'm pretty verbose and have my favorite pen with me. Do you have extra paper?" He of course knew all of the officers since he's in security.

Josh finds out that that little boy wasn't even her son. She's babysitting him. She kept referring to him as her son so that's one strike showing she's a deceitful person. Josh learns that there is no way she could have witnessed my exchange with the little boy. The security officer says he can not see our driveway from her vantage point. I tried it out for myself and stood in the spot I was in when it happened and I couldn't see her backyard. Her husband said he saw the whole thing between his wife and us. Obviously he was lying since it all happened in front of our front door where we can't even see our backyard let alone the backyard behind it. That's two strikes. AND... It turns out she wasn't even babysitting the little boy at the time. My next door neighbor was doing her a favor and watching him. So most likely she didn't see or hear anything that went on between me and the little boy. Which is why it took her so long to come confront us. That would be your third strike. You're out bitch!

One of the officers came to our house to get my statement. He let me know that no crime was committed and she was in the wrong by trespassing and coming over in an aggressive manner. They said Josh could have decked her and they wouldn't have been able to do anything since it would have been self defense. Ha! So basically she called the cops on herself.

Josh finally goes to the housing office to request a move so we wouldn't have to share a carport with these people anymore. (Hopefully into the new huge single family homes with garages that were just built on the other side of the base.) They said the new housing already has a waiting list but the head housing guy who is a government contractor which allows him to have a base house says that his neighbor just moved and we would be welcome to move there. We thought about it for a bit until we found it it was right across the street from the woman who was born to be fat.

The funny thing is the head housing guy had already heard of the whole debacle before Josh got there. He saw all the patrol cars at her house and called in to ask why security was there. He told Josh that those people along with our neighbors are weird. He apologized and let us know that I have nothing to worry about. "The whole neighborhood" that talks about me consists of that lady and my neighbor. He told us that he could possibly fix the situation. I don't know though. I just bought address labels.

Josh also spoke with our next door neighbor. He's always been friendly with the husband. He found out that the horrible lady with a fat birth defect, is the epitome of trash. The only reason she's friends with my neighbor is because she heard my neighbor had broken her leg and figured she must have some good opiates which she begged off her. Josh also found out that she starts shit with all of her neighbors and she cheats on her husband when he's out of town on work. Oh, and her husband who she called for when Josh barely breathed on her, doesn't want to get involved at all. It doesn't say much about your character if your own husband won't run to your defense if you scream out that another man is touching you. It doesn't really speak well of him either. Unless he knows she's being dramatic and he's sick of it.

It's hard for me to stay mad when I'm clearly dealing with an unstable person. Now that I know I'm allowed to hit the bitch if she comes to our door again, I'll be answering the door ready to rumble. Although, I won't be answering the door if Josh isn't home. I really wouldn't feel safe. Did I mention that the entire time she was getting in my face, I was holding Gavin. Luckily Maggie was taking a nap and didn't have to witness this.

I just want to state that I'm not a confrontational person. I stick up for myself and my loved ones only when I need to. Most shit I let roll off my back. I hate drama. I stay far away from it but when it comes to my front door, I have no choice but to react. I'm thinking of getting a retaining order against her. I don't know though. I'm going to sleep on it. Sleep on it in my heavily locked up house.

If you got this far, thanks for reading. I feel so much better now that I got it all out.

Something for Nothing

Last week I was doing some online Christmas shopping for the kids. I was browsing through Amazon for pretend food and kitchen stuff since Gavin loves cooking now. I came across this Melissa & Doug sandwich set for only a penny! It's normally a twenty dollar item. I thought maybe they had an overstock of it and were trying to get rid of it. I quickly bought it before it sold out. After I finalized my order I noticed some more stuff was only a penny. I bought everything I saw. About fifteen items. I finalized my order before I realized that almost all of the Melissa & Doug products were a cent. I made a third order. I spent a total of $43.27 in shipping, taxes and of course the pennies it cost. The order should have cost me over $300.

I knew it was a glitch but was hoping that the law I heard about was really true. The law that says if an online store offers a certain price, no matter how cheap, they have to honor it if you bought it. I know the guy that bought a huge plasma TV off Amazon the other day for $35 was hoping it was true. Josh found his story on some message board when he was researching this Amazon glitch. He said he would sue if they canceled his order. Wonder what happened with that guy?

I knew if I made it to this past Monday, when the items were to be shipped, I was in the clear. This past Monday I got an email from the VP of sales of the merchant that was selling through Amazon. He told me it was obviously a glitch and in compensation he would allow me to keep one thing from my order with free overnight shipping and give me a $20 Amazon gift card.

I don't even know if that law is real. I don't have the money to sue anyone and I'm pretty sure a judge would throw it out since I was basically stealing. I mean 21 cents for over $300 worth of toys? I wasn't too upset that my orders were canceled. So I accepted his offer.

I thought I was done with Christmas shopping in September. How awesome that would have been. Oh well, at least I got one present for the kids so far.

I need YGG Anonymous.

For a long time Boomba's TV show of choice was Blue's Clues. Dim and I were ok with this because it moves pretty slow and it's somewhat interactive. We record them on our DVR every morning. When I want to take a nap clean or do laundry, I start up an episode and Boomba sits quietly and watches. Well, a couple of months ago a new show started right after Blue's Clues. The DVR would usually keep recording a few minutes after Blue's Clues ended and would catch a commercial for this new show, Yo! Gabba Gabba. The most annoying shit I had ever seen in my life. I swore up and down that no child of mine would watch that crap. It had obnoxious characters and moved so quickly that I was sure any child who watched it was going to get one hell of a case of ADHD. See for yourself.

I know. The commercial played a clip of that song and every time I saw it made me glad that my child was present because I wouldn't have wanted him to witness his mother stabbing herself in the ear with his Lego. Instead I just shook uncontrollably until the commercial was over.

Well, I was curious and watched it. To my horror, Boomba and I both liked it. "I tried it and now I like it!" Sorry. That's from a song they sang to a character that didn't want to try her yogurt. It basically goes like this, "Try it. You'll like it!" over and over again. Ok, yogurt, fine. But what if someone is offering you crack? Sure, you'll like it at first but not so much when that high starts going away.

There's always a guest star that teaches everyone a dance. This one is one of our favorites. Here is Elijah Wood's crazy ass dance:

This one equally freaked Dim and I both out. We don't know who this woman is, but my God is she scary.

I can see why Boomba likes this horrible show, but why do I? The songs are so stupid and repetitive but I can't get them out of my head. All day long I sing them. I couldn't find a clip of my favorite one but it goes like this: "Snacky, snack snack, snack, snack, snack. Snacky snack snack. SNACK SNACK SNACK!" Ok I just typed that word way too many times that now I'm not sure if "snack" is a real word. Anyway, I'm thinking I may like this show because there are some parts of it that are a throw back to the shows I watched as a kid. Like School House Rock and other seventy/early eighties children's television.

Whatever the reason, I'm admitting to you here and now, that I'm addicted and I need help.

I've got nothing.

I am going though a bout of writer's block. Maybe it has something to do with all the papers I write for school. I'm drained. So here is something I've been working on for a couple of months. I've been keeping a list of the weird search hits my site gets so here is a post that takes no creativity whatsoever. Enjoy.

wife fucked our neighbor - Dude, that sucks.

would you marry someone with psoriasis - Well, I'm glad my husband did. Although I don't have it anymore, I did when we met. And if you have to Google this to see if it's socially acceptable, then you suck.

snake trap valentine - You're either really mean or have a dangerous fetish.

eat government cheese - You first.

threesome with mother in law - Don't. Just don't.

make cool people - I'm trying. I only have two ovaries.

couples swap pictures - Unfortunately, Dim and I are not this kinky.

military perks boob - I don't think the military has those kinds of perks.

mom boobs drink father - I'm glad you weren't more specific.

my bitching wife - Dim says, "Oh, that was me. I forgot the name to your site."

fourteen month baby muscle jerk - Stop Googling and take that baby to the doctor.

pregnant,lazy,dirty house - That's me.

mother con dim - I don't know what this means. Mother Condom, maybe? Weird.

mother boob - This is odd.

mother boob movies - Again, odd.

weird shit - My site showed up on page 66 with a Google search. They must have been desperate for some weird shit.

will a short haircut make me look gay - Probably, but go for it!

what to do about bad neighbors - Wish I had the answer to that one.

wife fucking other stores - How does one fuck a store?

i hate being an army wife - I could imagine. My husband is in the Navy and doesn't even go out to sea for his job and sometimes I hate it. I know I wouldn't be the happiest person to be around if my husband was at war.

ha! ha! this shirt is funny but i'll never tell you why!! - What. The. Fuck?

neighbors who fuck and suck -  I have got to quit saying that our neighbors fucking suck.

weird ass mother fucking ppl - I know, right?

chick-fil-a sex - Have I been married so long that they've changed sex?

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The other day Dim stopped to get gas on his way home.  As is sweet usual self, he picked up a treat for me. Dim knows I love coffee drinks. I usually get the Starbucks kind. Although since my gallbladder was yanked a few months ago, I can only "tolerate" the vanilla flavored coffee drink. I drink the other flavors and not too long after swallowing, it realizes that I have no gallbladder. It decides it will not be staying long and doesn't want to become a burden, so it will just be passing through town. If you get what I'm saying. I miss my gallbladder.

Anyway, Dim forgot which flavor it was that didn't send me running to the bathroom so he decided to get an entirely different coffee drink. Neither he or I have seen this particular brand. It was really good and wanted to stay the proper amount of time in my stomach. I think it's really great that this company is being so progressive with its advertising. I mean who else has a tranny as their mascot?

Government Cheese and Head Lice

Because Dim is in the military, there is quite a bit of his income that is non taxable. Such as our housing and food allowance and his uniform allowance. So when we file taxes, on paper it looks like we make a lot less than we actually do. Because of this we qualify for WIC. WIC is a government program that pays for baby formula and food for children and breastfeeding mothers.

Dim's superiors kept stressing to him that it would save us a lot of money and we should sign up. I'm what one would call proud. Dim calls it stubborn but I digress. I didn't want to do this. We aren't struggling by any means to put food on the table. I felt like we would be taking advantage of the system if we signed up. Dim pointed out that there is no limit on how much they can give out and if anything we're making sure the system gets used so the government will give more money to the program. I couldn't argue with that. I would hate for the program to lose money and not be able to help people that really need it.

So last week we went into our local state clinic to sign up. I was not ready for what I saw when we opened the door. As soon as we walked in a little boy ran out with his mother not far behind chasing him. It was a fucking zoo. There were children EVERYWHERE. Dim and I grabbed two seats in the back and filled out some paperwork. Now this next part may make me sound like a snob, but it's not my intention at all. It took us two hours to go through the whole process of paperwork and Boomba and I getting our blood tested and a little meeting with a nutritionist and then some more paperwork. I had a lot of time to do one of my favorite activities. People watch. I listened in on conversations and imagined what everyone's stories were. People always marvel at my patience. Trust me I'm not patient. I'm just being too nosy to notice that it's taking sixty seven fucking hours to get though whatever I'm trying to do.

I noticed that the woman next to me had a fourteen month old daughter and she was still in an infant carrier car seat. I felt bad that she didn't have enough money to make sure her child was safe. Then I noticed all of her jewelry and that her nails were done. I overheard her talking about her son's dad buying her all kinds of expensive gifts. Behind the help desk there was a sign that talked about free car seats to those who needed them. I know she wasn't taking advantage of that since I heard her say she was just getting her daughter shots that day. That lady kind of pissed me off.

There was another woman who had the hardest time keeping her two young children from running around the waiting room. Her son kept hitting other kids and when the mother would see, she would smack him. Gee, I wonder where he learned how to hit?

Another woman had her thirteen month old and her two month old children sitting in her lap. At one point the two month old was asleep on his mother's chest and the thirteen month old was lying across her mother's lap. The oldest was moving her leg and her mother smacked her behind and told her to stop moving because she would wake her brother. The girl started to cry. Loud. Did the mom think that the crying wouldn't wake her newborn?

After awhile the lady with the car seat issues and the lady with the newborn and toddler struck up a conversation with me. They were nice women. The car seat lady asked me if I had seen the "Mexican family." How could I have not? They had five children and they were running around everywhere playing with toys that belonged to other kids and eating snacks that parents' were trying to give to their children. Car seat lady explained that those children had lice. I asked her how she knew and she said she saw the mother picking them out of the oldest child's head. My head began to itch immediately. I'm so happy that I didn't have any toys they were interested in and that I wasn't doling out snacks. Dim thinks that Car Seat Lady was mistaken since he never saw any evidence of kids with lice. Still. I'm thankful they didn't come near me.

After all that hoopla we had a meeting with a nutritionist. Because I'm breastfeeding I get compensated for my food. He asked me what I had eaten the day before. I had mentioned that I had a granola bar for a snack and he scoffed and said, "candy." When I explained that it was organic and there was no sugar in it and mentioned how it had almonds and flaxseed, he scoffed again and said. "Ok, organic candy." Condescending fucktard. If he's a nutritionist then he should know there are such products out there. I didn't like that guy. I was asked how much formula Boomba went through a month. Boomba is nine months old and since he's been born, he's gone through three cans. So I had no answer. I told him one can a month would be plenty. We got vouchers for eight cans a month. The vouchers come in four can quantities. We could just get one can and use a four can voucher, but we got all four cans. I'll find someone to give them to.

Along with the formula vouchers we got vouchers for baby cereal and juice. My vouchers give me five gallons of milk a month, two boxes of cereal, so many ounces of cheese, four bottles of juice and a bunch of other stuff that I can't remember. When we cashed the vouchers in, including the formula, the total was almost hundred dollars. As great as it was to have all that food for free, I still feel icky about it. Even more so when I think about our cable/internet bill and know that we spend more on that then what the people in that clinic spend on food. I think I'm done with the government cheese.

I think Google is broken.

For my About Me page I wanted a picture to display with my profile. I was looking for a graphic of a mom. I did a Google image search for "mom icon" and it came up with some weird ass shit. Like this disturbing picture. I'm not sure what it is but frankly, it grosses me out. There was also this lovely display of chocolates in a shoe. I'm sure a gift any mother would love. Except me. This next one is bizarre. Castro smoking a cigar. Hmm. I know when I think of a mom icon, I think of a communist dictator. The one that I am most confused by is this picture of a coked out famewhore.